AMNESIA

I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted

LOL.  Sadly, so far, we never had such a hang out thing. Should I regret it, or just be okay with it? Maybe if we ever did that, it would be harder for me to forget you. In reality, we were too shy to act. We just said beautiful words that we hoped they would become true, and didn't act. Just let everything continue that way. Uhm, I guess I watched a lot of  films. I put too much hope.

I thought about our last kiss how it felt the way you tasted

Are you fucking kidding me? We never even looked at each other in a near distance. Our eyes never even met. We only smiled at each other, and by that, I was quite happy, and you were too-you said. And those little things, they mattered a lot.

And even though your friends tell me you're doing fine

Your friends? Telling me? No, I bet they're not brave enough for it. I'm not that kind of famous girl, I'm not that kind of girl you would show to your friends and say to them 'that's my girl' no, I'm not that kind of girl, and you're not that kind of gentleman. I wish your friends knew me as your someone special. But in reality, they just knew me as an idiot senior that fell in love with one of them.

Are you somewhere feeling lonely even though she's right beside you

LOL Why the fuck would you feel lonely? But I hope, at some times, you would. Yes, so you would remember me as someone who once was always there for you, someone who once you loved so much and never wanna lose. Darling, you didn't lose me. I lost you. Yes, you've got someone that you think was better, someone who I thought would never replace my position, someone who once you said that she was just a 'friend' and she didn't like you. Ah, life is mysterious and has a lot of unfinished puzzles.

When she says those words that hurt you, do you read the ones I wrote you?

Darl, I'm sorry for all those absurd words I wrote about you. All those absurd words, I know you're never gonna read. Or you may be reading, but you don't understand? I wish you'll allow me to know every little thing about you, that I'm not allowed to anymore. I mean, who am I to you? I was once someone special-you said, and now, I don't mean anything anymore. I'm just a stranger with all your secrets. I wonder, is she like me?  Does she care about you as much as I do? Does she care about little things like I do? Does she admire you like I do? Does she write about you like I do? I don't need to know. It's none of my business-you'll say.

Sometimes I start to wonder was it just a lie

Not sometimes. Every time everything about us crosses my mind, I always wonder if everything that we ever had, is just a fantasy , a fairytale, that isn't real. Maybe, it's just my fantasy, it's just a beautiful dream I always dreamed, that you've woken up from it while I was still asleep.

If what we had was real, how could you be fine?

 Darl, I still remember them. Everything, I still remember, even though I know I gotta forget, but sadly, I still remember. I don't know should I be sad that I still remember them, or be happy because I have some beautiful memories to remember about? I just don't understand how you forgot everything easily, when once you said you could never forget everything about us.. But I guess, now you have something that is so much more important to remember about, so you decided to erase everything about us. It's just sad how after all that we had, we act like we never even met.

'Cause I'm not fine at all

I'm tired of lying. I'm not fine, at all. I may seem like I don't even care, but deep inside, I'm torn, I still care. I still wonder are you thinking about me although I already know that the answer is no. I think and think, you won't have any time to think about me, right? That beautiful princess must be crossing your mind every second. While me? I'm just no one to you anymore, so why the fuck would you even think of me? Damn. Thinking about that makes my lungs sound. Asthma sucks.

I remember the day you told me you were leaving, I remember the make up running down your face

How come I don't remember it? I honestly still remember when it exactly happened. I still remember the deep stab in my chest when you told me that you chose her over me. I still remember how the sky shattered into pieces when you told me that you love her. You didn't say that you left, but, I already understood. Darl, why would I survive for someone who obviously  didn't love me anymore? Why would I hurt my already broken self? Darling, I never thought it would happen. You're such a good roleplayer.

And the dreams you left behind, you didn't need them, like every single wish we ever made

Remember when we both dreamed the same thing? When everything was so perfect, when we tried to make them come true. We had always dreamed for a good future, the future where we 're going to live together, the future where we go through days and stand together against the odd, the future where we're going to face the black and white in life together. And suddenly... those beautiful dreams just faded away. They're gone... unclear.

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia, and forget about the stupid little things

I know it's stupid, but sometimes I hit the wall with my head so my head gets a little broken, and every memory about everything will slowly fade away. I always wish I could wake up in a condition of amnesia. Darl, the pain you left makes me want to forget about everything. Everything. Like I want to have a new life where I never been broken before, that would be great. I don't care, I just don't want to remember them. They're beautiful, really beautiful, but I'm just too hurt to remember them.

Like the way it fell to fall asleep next to you, and the memories I never can escape

I still remember how comfortable it was to sleep after reading a text saying 'good night, have a nice dream. I love you.' and a kiss that transformed into a cute emoji. Text that made me feel that you  were laying next to me, text that I'm never gonna get anymore, text that you're now sending to a beautiful princess that crosses your mind every second, replacing me as someone who once was on that position. I always remembered about little things. Things that may seem 'small' to you, but darling, they're memories for me. They mean a lot.

'Cause I'm not fine at all

Not gonna lie, I'm not fine, I'm damn torn. And it tears my heart apart knowing you don't care anymore.

The pictures that you sent me, they're still living in my phone. I'll admit I like to see them, I'll admit I feel alone.

Those pics you sent, they're still in my phone. Sometimes, when I miss you, I love to look at them and admire your sweet smile that is sketched on your goofy face. I love to zoom in at them, scrolling through every little thing about you. Your crinkles when you smile, the lines, your smiling eyes, the perfect curve of your lips. It feels like everything about you is just perfect, like, you're such a perfect creature. But now, I gotta delete them, darl. I think, there's no use in looking at and saving your photos anymore. You're not the same person anymore. The now you, isn't the you I've known for so long. And I bet, there's no photo of me left in your phone. Of course, you must be replacing them with beautiful selfies of that girl you love.

And all my friends keep asking why I'm not around

I don't know what all of these means. Scenarios I thought would never happen. Darl, they saw the change in me.

 It hurts to know you're happy, yeah, it hurts that you moved on

They say, love is about making someone you love happy, even if that means you get hurt. They say, 'your happiness is my happiness'. What a bullshit. How can someone be happy watching someone they love be happy with someone else? Darl, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not even happy to see you with her. Few times ago, everything was fine, we still laughed, we still loved each other. And as the time flies, everything changes. I'm not the first person that crosses your mind right after you wake up, and not the last right before you sleep, anymore. And I'm torn apart knowing that every memory about me had gone away from you. There's no piece of me left in you. You've moved on, while me? I'm stuck still.

It's hard to hear your name when I haven't seen you in so long

I still remember the last day we met. The last day I met you, but you weren't you anymore. There were a lot of changes in you. The way you look at me, the way you talk, the way you smile, the way the time catches you, they're not the same. But darl, I never forget the old you. I never forget that old warm look, how you looked at me when we met for the first time, how you stole a look. And darling, I'm so tired of resisting myself not to smile when someone mentions your name to me. I'm tired how I try to stay calm. I know you won't even smile when someone mentions my name to you.

It's like we never happened, was it just a lie?

There's no 'us' anymore. What you've done to me makes me think that we were just a dream. We never happened in reality. Or is it you who's so damn expert at lying?

If what we had was real, how could you be fine?

Alright, they weren't real. They were just a dream, and I was the one dreaming about it. The word 'us' only existed for me. Real things don't fade away, darl.

'Cause I'm not fine at all

I remember the day you told me you were leaving, I remember the make up running down your face

And the dreams you left behind, you didn't need them, like every single wish we ever made

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia, and forget about the stupid little things

Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you, and the memories I never can escape

If today I woke up with you right beside me, like all of this was just some twisted dream

Ah, if only what happened so far was just a dream, so I'll just wake up and find you sleeping right next to me.

I'd hold you closer than I ever did before

Yes, so you won't go. So everything you see, it's all me. I'm gonna hold your hand tight, not gonna let you go.

And you'll never slip away, you'll never hear me say

I remember the day you told me you were leaving, I remember the make up running down your face

And the dreams you left behind, you didn't need them, like every single wish we ever made

I wish that I could wake  up with amnesia, and forget about the stupid little things

Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you, and the memories I never can escape

'cause I'm not fine at all

No, I'm really not fine at all

Tell me this is just a dream, 'cause I'm really not fine at all...

Dedicated for someone who once was a candid model for my camera..... Don't own the photoss anymore, already deleted them.

song titled Amnesia by 5SOS band